Resurrection Blogfest—Avoiding amateur writing mistakes (erotica version)

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Warning: Contains adult-themed content.
3rd Annual Resurrection Blogfest III - 2014

To mark her third year of blogging, Mina Lobo is hosting her awesome Resurrection Blogfest for the third time. Click the button for all the rules and a list of participants. Last year I was one of the winners.

This year I’m reposting “Avoiding Amateur Writing Mistakes (Erotica Version),” which originally ran 3 January 2014 and got no comments, but a fair amount of views over time. Seriously, I’m so embarrassed for the writers who make these mistakes.

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I wrote a post on how to avoid some common amateur writing mistakes back in June. This is a similar list, only specific to erotica and romance. If you’re not into these genres, consider yourself warned.

1. It would seem obvious, but a lot of new writers don’t seem to understand that well-written romance or erotica deserves good writing just as much as any other genre. A good story or book of any genre needs a well-developed storyline and believable characters.

2. Trope that needs retired already:  The 18- or 19-year-old girl (usually written as some over the top stereotype of an innocent virgin) with a much-older man. Huge age differences squick me out when the younger party is so young. I don’t think it’s a big deal if a couple is, say, 18 and 22, 30 and 40, 25 and 30, or 45 and 60. It’s another story when we’re talking an 18-year-old with a guy who’s 30, 45, 50, even 26. Could you please use more realistic and appropriate age differences?

3. Learning how to be good at any sort of sex takes time. Totally ridiculous when some innocent virgin is suddenly asking for or engaging in rather advanced sexual activities, like fisting or anal sex. You don’t go from nothing to everything overnight, even when you’re turned on.

4. And speaking of Greek love, a little goes a long way. Not everyone is turned on by it. There’s no requirement to have at least one type of anal scene in your story or book, contrary to its popularity in porn. Some couples love it, others save it as a treat for special times, and others have no interest.

5. Again regarding Greek love, most gay men actually prefer other methods of intimacy. If your story is M/M, you don’t have to have that form of sex at all.

6. Even if a story is meant to titillate, you should still spend some time developing the characters and storyline. I’m going to be bored if two people are immediately going at it. I don’t know them, don’t care about them, have no idea what brought them to this point. It’s just lazy writing to have a story that’s exclusively sexual, even within erotica.

7. Original storylines, please! As much as I love doctor-themed erotica, I’m tired of seeing so many variations on the same basic plot. Make your story stand out. The original doctor-themed stories I’ve found aren’t built around the same old, same old, which makes them memorable.

8. Also regarding doctor-themed stories, I’m extremely turned off by enemas and catheters. Not only does it not turn me on, but it’s extremely unrealistic as to what actually goes on at a normal doctor visit. A lot of these stories seem like they’d be better-off submitted to some scat fetish story database, not Lit Erotica or other reputable websites!

9. Dialogue is important. I can’t get into a story that’s nothing more than paragraphs of description. There’s no character or story development if you’re just telling the reader everything.

10. It seems super-amateur to include personal measurements, particularly when they’re given soon into the story. Honestly, most people don’t really care. Use descriptive adjectives, not exact sizes. The only exception I could think of would be if the measurements are an actual, serious part of the story, like if the female lead is really self-conscious about her small breasts.

11. Related to #10, it seems even more amateur to always make your characters bigger than average. If you must include measurements, at least make them realistic! I know I’m not typical for naturally having a DD chest, just as it’s not normal for a male member to be 8-12 inches.

12. The hymen (now more accurately called the corona minora) is not located several inches into the body. I want to bang my head into a wall every time I read yet another line like “He withdrew his finger after the first knuckle, not wanting to take her maidenhood.” If you’re that far in, you’ve already reached the hymen some time ago! It’s also an utter myth, left over from antiquity, that the hymen is some sort of factory seal that remains completely dense and unbroken until first heterosexual intercourse. If the hymen didn’t naturally wear away, there would be nowhere to menstruate. It’s also an utter myth that all women bleed the first time. I’m not typical for how I had such a thick (but NOT unperforated) hymen, and thus wasn’t successful until the eighth occasion my ex and I tried to have intercourse.

13. Even if erotica usually has some elements which aren’t entirely realistic, at least give the reader a reason to go along with it. Don’t be so obviously over the top with unrealistic characters, storylines, and events. It’s probably a bad sign if your story makes people laugh when you didn’t file it in the Humor section.

14. If your story is contemporary, or even 20th century historical, it’s just common sense, and modeling good practices, to have your characters practising some type of safer sex. Condoms, diaphragms, pessaries, the Pill, an IUD, you name it.

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Final Horny Hump Day—Patya and Vladlena (A love that knows no bounds)

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My What’s Up Wednesday post is here.

Warning:  Not safe for work or appropriate for those under 18!

This week marks the final Horny Hump Day, a weekly hop where writers share three erotic sentences of a book or WIP. Since participation and views have been dropping off, it’s been decided that this feature should be retired. I’ve really enjoyed meeting the talented writers who’ve taken part in this hop over the last two years, and hope to keep up with their latest projects.

For my finale, I chose to skip ahead to the other couple featured in Chapter 82 of my WIP. Patya Siyanchuk is Rodya Duranichev’s best friend, and lost his right arm protecting Rodya during the Battle of Saipan. While Rodya went home with two Purple Hearts and his right arm in a sling and cast, poor Patya went home with one Purple Heart and a below-elbow amputation. He’s been very depressed, ever since regaining consciousness and seeing what happened, and doesn’t feel like a real man or even a human being anymore. In the blink of an eye, he went from a proud Marine to a helpless amputee.

He’s been at a veterans’ hospital ever since returning to New York, and has told his wife Vladlena to find an able-bodied man and forget she ever loved him. Then, on his 29th birthday, Vladka sends him a pair of dress blues (which WWII Marines had to buy themselves) and his spirits are lifted immeasurably. After buying a lot of gifts, he comes home to plead forgiveness for how he treated her. Vladka realizes he’s sincere, and reassures him she still wants and loves him just the way he is. But even though he’s the birthday boy, he believes ladies should come first.

A bit of editing was done to make this fit three lines.

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Vladlena runs her fingers through his thick sable hair as his mouth and tongue get reacquainted with her secret place.  Her ragged breathing, writhing, and loud involuntary noises are a powerful reaffirmation of his manliness, since only a real man could please his woman like this.  She almost crushes his head with her legs as ecstasy sweeps through her.

Horny Hump Day—Valentina and Rodya

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My What’s Up Wednesday post is here.

Warning:  Not safe for work or appropriate for those under 18!

Welcome back to Horny Hump Day, a weekly hop where writers share three erotic sentences of a book or WIP. My snippet this week, from my WIP, comes a few lines after last week’s. Rodya Duranichev, a veteran of the 2nd Division of the 6th Marines, has been honorably discharged and sent home after being wounded at both Saipan and Tinian. Even though his right arm is in a sling and cast, his wife Valentina is more than willing to give him a special welcome home.

He’s just told her to move up a little, since he can’t reach the rest of her body.

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Valentína slides off her skirt and stockings, then moves forward, trembling.  Ródya tentatively ministers to her most sensitive flesh, careful not to be too rough or quick.  He finds it hard to believe anyone could seriously believe a woman’s intimate area is ugly and not fit for a decent husband to look upon or touch.

Horny Hump Day—Valentina and Rodya

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Happy International Left-Handedness Awareness Day!

My What’s Up Wednesday post is here.

Warning:  Not safe for work or appropriate for those under 18!

Welcome back to Horny Hump Day, a weekly hop where writers share three erotic sentences of a book or WIP. My snippet this week picks up right after last week’s, as Rodya Duranichev, a twice-wounded Marine, is welcomed home by his wife Valentina Kuchma.

Rodya was stabbed in his right shoulder by a sharpened bayonet at Saipan and again at Tinian, and has been honorably discharged due to the severity of his arm and shoulder injury. He’s come home with his arm in a cast and splint, which means Valentina has to be above him. She’s given him some wonderful services so far, but he doesn’t want to be the only one having fun.

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To reward Valentína for such nice services, Ródya reverentially caresses her beautiful breasts with his good hand, savoring the view from below.  They look even bigger, and are even closer to him, with Valentína still on top of him.  Valentína closes her eyes and softly moans as his hand and mouth get reacquainted with them.

Horny Hump Day—Valentina and Rodya

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Warning:  Not safe for work or appropriate for those under 18!

Welcome back to Horny Hump Day, a weekly hop where writers share three erotic sentences of a book or WIP. My snippet this week picks up right after last week’s, as Rodya Duranichev, a twice-wounded Marine, is welcomed home by his wife Valentina Kuchma.

Rodya was stabbed in his shoulder by a sharpened bayonet at Saipan and again at Tinian, and has been honorably discharged due to the severity of his arm and shoulder injury. He’s come home with his arm in a cast and splint, which means Valentina has to be above him. Right now he’s enjoying the feel of his wife’s hands on his most sensitive flesh.

***

The long-forgotten sensation feels even more exquisitely divine with his eyes closed. He also loves the feeling of being so helpless and vulnerable at her hands, with the special trust she’ll only bring him pleasure and not abuse the sacred privilege of having access to this intimate place. Even after their long separation, she still knows how to touch him just right.