Brouhaha at the Buffet (Bookman)

Font of the day: Bookman

Created: 1858, restyled 1901

Personal experience: About a month, fall ’93, on a 152K Mac. Computer upgrade, ’93 Mac, didn’t have Bookman, and I found the closest thing, Palatino.

Chapter: “Brouhaha at the Buffet”

Book: 10th book in my Max’s House series (most of the earlier volumes are in desperate need of retitling)

Written: 15-25 April 2001

Computer created on: 1993 Mac

File format: MacWriteII

This is the fifth chapter of the 10th Max’s House book, written during my junior year of university. My Max’s House books have always been probably my favorite things to write, since they’re so fun, lightweight, short, and easy. My Atlantic City books aren’t meant as straight historical, but rather a mix of historical, spoof, satire, and humor. A lot of the events aren’t meant to be realistic or serious, but just funny.

It’s December 1943, and the Greens (along with the latest British refugee children they’re hosting) and the Sewards have gone to a new buffet. Kit’s mother, the insufferable Mrs. Green, recently was sent to the funny farm by Mr. Green after her behavior just started getting too out of control. But everyone is in for a surprise tonight, since Mrs. Green has gotten out early. Not only that, but an obnoxious, obese new girl from school is there with her own family. And then Mrs. Seward, Mr. Seward’s estranged ex-wife, shows up as well. Everything that could go wrong, does go hilariously wrong tonight.

Among the highlights (warning: contains anti-fat humor, bathroom topics, and some swearing, if that sort of thing offends you):

“I saw a woman even fatter than I am when I was getting my second helping,” Bethany shrugged, guzzling a glass of root beer that was twice the size of the drinking glasses her parents and five little brothers were drinking out of.

Kit calmly spooned her excess pasta salad back into the place where it had come from, not even caring that a few people saw and gasped.

“Ooh, I drizzled out a bit too much ketchup too.” Kit took her fork and spoon and transported the excess ketchup into a bottle sitting nearby.

Kit threw a huge leg of fried chicken onto her plate and began walking back to the table when suddenly she had her plate knocked from out of her hands and onto the floor, where it shattered.  A huge fat woman laughing in an annoying voice was the culprit. [This was based on something that happened to my little brother at a buffet!]

Conny gasped. “Mother, what’s gotten into you?  You can’t stop saying the f word all of a sudden!  You never said it before!”

“Oh, Daddy, Woman just behaved totally unlike a proper Green woman ought to!” Kit tattled. “She was taking a shit in this here public lavatory!”

In disgust, Mrs. Seward stormed towards the doors and nearly got stuck as she was leaving.  Several grunt workers had to push her fat body out through the remainder of the door.

“Sauly, you are only eleven fucking years old!  Where in the fuck do you get off using such horrendous language?” [Spoken by his own mother!]

Mr. Green was just mortified at what his wife was doing in public.  He should have just signed her over to spend the rest of her life in the funny farm while he could get on with his own life and not have to put up with her hysterics.

“Is that the one who belongs in an institution?” Mr. Seward demanded as he pinned Gene against the counter of the dessert bar and gave him a spanking with a nearby hot fudge ladle.

Dennis gave Mr. Seward the finger and kicked him. “At least our father doesn’t treat Clive like a freak ‘cause he can’t see or hear.  You have your perfectly healthy little boy on a leash like he’s a dog!”

“I hope you don’t intend to have no ice-cream,” Saul sniffed, sidling up to Mrs. Green. “You know that on an empty stomach, ice-cream can slide right through from your mouth to your ass in the form of runny diarrhea very quickly.”

“These things happen!” Mrs. Green screamed, calling even more attention to herself. “People sometimes get uncontrollable urges to vomit or do what I did or wet their pants or in Kit’s case screw someone—”

Mr. Seward looked up and saw Gene dumping one of his halfsisters into the nearly-empty metal canister of peppermint stick ice-cream and saw purple. “Eugene, it’s time I hogtie you!”

Mrs. Green, fuming, got up from the table and went back off to the bathroom.  Everyone began pointing and staring again.  There was even a mass exodus from the ladies’ room as soon as she appeared at the door.

Six Sentence Sunday

This week, for Six Sentence Sunday, I decided to include a snippet from Part III of Max’s House #4: The Start of AS. (AS, Anti-Smarts, is the exclusive club Max and his friends start because they’re fed up by Samantha Smart’s annoying, pushy, holier than thou behavior, and Sam and her handful of goody-goody friends start a club in return, AS Stinks, with the unintentionally hilarious abbreviation ASS.) In this snippet, Max’s youngest full brother, Gene, is having a conversation with their annoying second-cousin Emily Callahan. Gene, who’s always been a handful, acted up so outrageously at the festivities celebrating his father and stepmother’s one-year anniversary, on the Fourth of July 1942, that he was punished by being sent to Indiana to stay with his great-grandfather Stanley for the remainder of the summer. Gene, who broke both his legs on the eve of being sent away, thought his summer vacation would be a bust till he found a stash of Victorian erotica under his great-aunt Mona’s old bed. Now he’s defending his choice of reading to the stunned Emily.

***

“These are Victorian novels, you twit.  They pretended to be offended by harmless words like ‘leg’ and ‘breast’ but really wrote in amazing detail about raunchy sex in so many books like these ones!”

“I’m telling Great-Grandpa Stanley you brought such sordid books here with you!  This trip to spend the rest of Summer with him was supposed to be a punishment, not an excuse to revel even more in your pervertedness!”

“The books belong to Great-Aunt Mona, dolt.”

“She musta been framed by one of our great-uncles in youth and the books were never discovered again till now, that’s what!”